Yes, I watch American Idol. There, I said it. Now the whole world knows. I will not, however, be made to feel ashamed. Just because I have the time to watch all four or five episodes on each week does not mean I don’t have a life. I just believe it happens to be a good show, and it is a very good value for your entertainment dollar when you consider it’s on a network station that can be picked up on any old TV by using some old rabbit ears wrapped in aluminum foil instead of one of those hoity toity channels that you can only get through cable, satellite or pay through the nose (AKA pay per view) broadcasts.
What I don’t understand is how is it garnering such gargantuan ratings? Any time I’m trying to shoot the breeze with someone I don’t know, like on a plane, train, or subway, I have yet to meet anyone who watches the show. This was a subject I thought everyone was talking about, but it’s simply not true! That’s when I decided to do some investigating. The other evening while watching the show, they introduced a new segment that allows viewers to actually call in live during the show and ask questions. Soon thereafter, Ryan Seacrest (the host of the show for the millions of you who don’t watch) had a plethora of calls from which to choose to air from bazillions of callers dialing in to the show. So I wondered, where are these people hiding every time I’m trying to cook up some idle chit chat with a total stranger? I finally realized the answer was—don’t let this get out—they’re in the closet.
By calling in to the show, these "non-watchers" could remain anonymous and thereby carry on with their deceitful techniques by acting as if they're oblivious to the whole boob tube phenomenon that is American Idol. Ask them to their face, and then it becomes another story. Why are all these people so mortified to admit they watch American Idol? I'm thinking that it's partly because they think making fun of the show is much more in vogue than actually watching it. And then there's also the possibility that some men out there have heard some blatantly vicious rumors and thought that perhaps some of the contestants were infectious to their manhood. I acknowledge I can think of an array of reasons to watch, but I’m going to remain stupified as to the reasons people won’t admit they watch it--except for one glaring exception. Now, I don't mean to be rude, so I won't divuldge whom--I mean what I'm talking about.
But, while I’m on this subject, I had another revelation hit me during this same show. It seems that out of all the questions this one caller could have asked, they only wanted to know why Simon Cowell (again for those of you who don’t know, he is the British bloke of a judge who is perpetually decked either in gray or black with the acerbic tongue and malicious wit) spent one million dollars recently on a car, but he wouldn’t spend any money on his wardrobe. I couldn’t believe it! Had I known about that purchase, that would have been the exact same question I would have wanted answered if only I could have gotten past that pesky busy signal. Gosh, it’s a small world.
Again, I decided to do some investigating of my own and find out about this car. This is always the way gossip gets started, and the next thing you know everyone believes it. Anyway, as it turns out, the car he allegedly purchased was made by Volkswagen. Big deal! I was happy to know that the forty-something million dollars he is paid by the show each year hadn’t went to his head and turned him into some sort of spendthrift. So then I thought I’d take a look at this Volkswagen and just see how truly economical it really was in comparison to what some people were probably already thinking.
I was surprised to find out a few things I didn’t know. Volkswagen makes a lot more models than just the Beetle and the Jetta. It seems they also make a model called the Bugatti Veyron. Don’t ask me if that’s German for excessively exorbitant, but if it isn’t it should be. And, just to show you I’m not making up words as I go along, I am adding a picture of this little “economy car” to prove it. Let me let you in on a few points of interest on this little gem of a vehicle.
What I don’t understand is how is it garnering such gargantuan ratings? Any time I’m trying to shoot the breeze with someone I don’t know, like on a plane, train, or subway, I have yet to meet anyone who watches the show. This was a subject I thought everyone was talking about, but it’s simply not true! That’s when I decided to do some investigating. The other evening while watching the show, they introduced a new segment that allows viewers to actually call in live during the show and ask questions. Soon thereafter, Ryan Seacrest (the host of the show for the millions of you who don’t watch) had a plethora of calls from which to choose to air from bazillions of callers dialing in to the show. So I wondered, where are these people hiding every time I’m trying to cook up some idle chit chat with a total stranger? I finally realized the answer was—don’t let this get out—they’re in the closet.
By calling in to the show, these "non-watchers" could remain anonymous and thereby carry on with their deceitful techniques by acting as if they're oblivious to the whole boob tube phenomenon that is American Idol. Ask them to their face, and then it becomes another story. Why are all these people so mortified to admit they watch American Idol? I'm thinking that it's partly because they think making fun of the show is much more in vogue than actually watching it. And then there's also the possibility that some men out there have heard some blatantly vicious rumors and thought that perhaps some of the contestants were infectious to their manhood. I acknowledge I can think of an array of reasons to watch, but I’m going to remain stupified as to the reasons people won’t admit they watch it--except for one glaring exception. Now, I don't mean to be rude, so I won't divuldge whom--I mean what I'm talking about.
But, while I’m on this subject, I had another revelation hit me during this same show. It seems that out of all the questions this one caller could have asked, they only wanted to know why Simon Cowell (again for those of you who don’t know, he is the British bloke of a judge who is perpetually decked either in gray or black with the acerbic tongue and malicious wit) spent one million dollars recently on a car, but he wouldn’t spend any money on his wardrobe. I couldn’t believe it! Had I known about that purchase, that would have been the exact same question I would have wanted answered if only I could have gotten past that pesky busy signal. Gosh, it’s a small world.
Again, I decided to do some investigating of my own and find out about this car. This is always the way gossip gets started, and the next thing you know everyone believes it. Anyway, as it turns out, the car he allegedly purchased was made by Volkswagen. Big deal! I was happy to know that the forty-something million dollars he is paid by the show each year hadn’t went to his head and turned him into some sort of spendthrift. So then I thought I’d take a look at this Volkswagen and just see how truly economical it really was in comparison to what some people were probably already thinking.
I was surprised to find out a few things I didn’t know. Volkswagen makes a lot more models than just the Beetle and the Jetta. It seems they also make a model called the Bugatti Veyron. Don’t ask me if that’s German for excessively exorbitant, but if it isn’t it should be. And, just to show you I’m not making up words as I go along, I am adding a picture of this little “economy car” to prove it. Let me let you in on a few points of interest on this little gem of a vehicle.
- 1001 hp
- 922 lb-ft of torque
- Sixteen cylinders, sixty-four valves
- Four turbochargers
- 253 mph top speed
- 0 to 62 in 2.5 seconds
- 0 to 124 mph in 7.3 seconds
- 0-186 mph in 16.7 seconds
- Fastest car on the road today
- Prices start at $1.3 million
Yes, I know what you're thinking. It doesn't sound as economical as it did a few minutes ago. Oh, and I left the best part for last. If this clunker is actually driven at its maximum speed, you will literally run out of gas (excuse me, petrol for you Simon) every twelve minutes. I guess now we all know where he's spending his forty-something million. Here in America, we have a lot of rich celebrities "going green" and driving cars way beneath their means in order to keep pollution down. But I guess those stiff Brits think differently. I say let Simon take his $1.3 million gas guzzler back over across the pond to Great Britain where he can drive as fast as he wants to on the wrong side of the road. Very soon, London's air will be as polluted as the Thames River. As for the vacancy on American Idol, I too can be mean. I also possess an acerbic tongue and malicious wit. Best of all though, I'll do his job for only half of what they're paying him, and my used Yugo gets me around quite nicely, thanks. Feel free to contact me for an interview.
1 comment:
FUNNY!!!!!!!!
Your hilarious
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