So I guess by now, you guys realize that I’m nothing if not thorough. I will continue on my quest to tell you about things that are going on in the world that some of you with actual lives may not have time to read or hear about otherwise. So, here’s a brief outline of this week’s leading headlines. For those of you on a tight schedule, you will be happy to know that I have only listed the most important news and given just a brief outline of the story to save you, my dear reader, your most important natural resource—time. Think of me as your national news source with the extra calories removed.
Today I learned something totally out of left field. As of April 6, Pizza Hut is going to start serving pasta! I know, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. It seems that they are going to be spending millions of dollars on what I’m sure will be a brilliant ad campaign to promote their new pasta dishes—all two of them as far as I can tell. Excuse me, but it seems I remember ordering some lasagna in a Pizza Hut about two years ago. I know I’m not an expert so I called my friend Michelle, who is full-blooded, grandmother straight off of the boat Italian. She confirmed my suspicions that lasagna is indeed a pasta dish. If I think a little harder, I believe I also remember a colleague of mine ordering some spaghetti from a Pizza Hut during a business luncheon once long ago. Again, Michelle tells me this is indeed a pasta dish as well. It seems Pizza Hut has thought this idea out so well that they are actually going to market their new pasta dishes in pans that will fit perfectly into those big red pizza pouches they currently carry around to make sure you remember your pizza was never frozen—despite what the temperature makes you believe anyway. Maybe they can even put their new pastas into a pan with one of those cardboard coverings just like the pizza. That way all the cheese on top will stick to the lid, and it will be just like ordering a regular pizza. But, alas, I digress. Oh my, how could I have left out the best part? It seems that they are so confident about their little pasta plan that their Chief Marketing Officer actually said, out loud even, that they would consider changing their name to Pasta Hut if their idea is a hit. Trust me. Even I couldn’t make up stuff this gooey. (No pun intended.) Really. Try Google, and you’ll see. I give my readers nothing but the truth—at least as I see it anyway. So far, not one of the other pizza chains has elected to compete with Pizza Hut's plans. Hmmm, you don't say?
Now, let’s talk about the really big news of the week. Ladies, lock up your husbands—the twins are on the loose. It seems Pamela Anderson is once again an unmarried woman. That’s right. She’s on the move and possibly searching for another Mr. Right. This poor woman certainly has had bad luck when it comes to marriages. As for weddings, I hear she’s quite the planner. I believe after her beach marriage in Cancun to rocker Tommy Lee while decked out in a white bikini, she actually married him again in something like three more ceremonies. Some of them were apparently quite lavish. It seems that in one of them, Tommy was actually decked out in a real metal Prince Charming outfit. She must have some kind of mystical powers to con a macho rocker dude like Tommy Lee into donning that stupid outfit—especially since they were already legally married. And, let us not forget her next rocker dude, Kid Rock, or as she liked to call him—Bob. He was the second man betrothed to Ms. Anderson. But even Pet Rock fell victim to her spell and went through several lavish weddings to her as well. At that point, I felt that possibly she didn’t want to be married; she just wanted to be the center of attention at the wedding, and this was the only plan she could come up with that would make that scheme work. And then we come to the most recent Mr. Pam Anderson. It seems from what I’ve been able to uncover through the most thorough use of my investigative reporting skills, Rick Salomon and Ms. Anderson had been friends for about fifteen years. One night while gambling together in Las Vegas, Ms. Anderson excused herself for a quick potty break while apparently one of her goons continued to place bets for her at the poker table. When she returned, it seems she was indebted to Mr. Salomon to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. What was a poor unemployed girl to do? Being the gentlemen he was, Mr. Salomon agreed to forgive the debt for a kiss. Oh, how sweet! Well, apparently the one little kiss led to another and another and, well, you can only imagine what that led to without me having to tell you. Let’s just say that after the two were engaged, Ms. Anderson was quoted as saying, “I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love. It’s so romantic.” Yeah, about as romantic as hearing that Jimmy Swaggart rolled up upon a street whore and then tried to serve her up to his masses as the new Mrs. It seems to me that Ms. Anderson has just owned up to the world’s oldest profession, but who am I to judge? Again, please don’t ask. Even I couldn’t make up stuff this stupid. Needless to say, after hearing this dreamy story, I know it’s probably hard for you to believe that after only about sixty-eight days of wedded bliss (well, I might be a few days off), the two separated. You know the one thing that really galls me about this whole story is that, after appearing on a gazillion Playboy covers, this lady actually wore a white bikini to her first wedding. How gauche! I guess the only good thing she could say about this marriage is that her tryst did not turn up on the Internet, as did the one with rocker Bret Michaels, or the one with first husband Tommy Lee or Mr. Salomon’s soiree with one Paris Hilton—well, at least not yet anyway. God, does everyone except me own a camcorder?
Now it’s time for my oh so brief business news. I have really put a lot of time and energy into investigating my stock tip of the week. I don’t want you, my loyal reader, to think I just pull somebody’s name out of a hat without thinking long and hard about it. So, without further ado, my insider tip of the week is, drumroll please, ConAgra Foods. I must admit this was an easy decision. While they are the manufacturers of Pam®, they can really use this week’s headlines to remind people that nothing sticks with Pam®--not even marriage. Good luck with the market. Until next time my dear reader………
Today I learned something totally out of left field. As of April 6, Pizza Hut is going to start serving pasta! I know, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. It seems that they are going to be spending millions of dollars on what I’m sure will be a brilliant ad campaign to promote their new pasta dishes—all two of them as far as I can tell. Excuse me, but it seems I remember ordering some lasagna in a Pizza Hut about two years ago. I know I’m not an expert so I called my friend Michelle, who is full-blooded, grandmother straight off of the boat Italian. She confirmed my suspicions that lasagna is indeed a pasta dish. If I think a little harder, I believe I also remember a colleague of mine ordering some spaghetti from a Pizza Hut during a business luncheon once long ago. Again, Michelle tells me this is indeed a pasta dish as well. It seems Pizza Hut has thought this idea out so well that they are actually going to market their new pasta dishes in pans that will fit perfectly into those big red pizza pouches they currently carry around to make sure you remember your pizza was never frozen—despite what the temperature makes you believe anyway. Maybe they can even put their new pastas into a pan with one of those cardboard coverings just like the pizza. That way all the cheese on top will stick to the lid, and it will be just like ordering a regular pizza. But, alas, I digress. Oh my, how could I have left out the best part? It seems that they are so confident about their little pasta plan that their Chief Marketing Officer actually said, out loud even, that they would consider changing their name to Pasta Hut if their idea is a hit. Trust me. Even I couldn’t make up stuff this gooey. (No pun intended.) Really. Try Google, and you’ll see. I give my readers nothing but the truth—at least as I see it anyway. So far, not one of the other pizza chains has elected to compete with Pizza Hut's plans. Hmmm, you don't say?
Now, let’s talk about the really big news of the week. Ladies, lock up your husbands—the twins are on the loose. It seems Pamela Anderson is once again an unmarried woman. That’s right. She’s on the move and possibly searching for another Mr. Right. This poor woman certainly has had bad luck when it comes to marriages. As for weddings, I hear she’s quite the planner. I believe after her beach marriage in Cancun to rocker Tommy Lee while decked out in a white bikini, she actually married him again in something like three more ceremonies. Some of them were apparently quite lavish. It seems that in one of them, Tommy was actually decked out in a real metal Prince Charming outfit. She must have some kind of mystical powers to con a macho rocker dude like Tommy Lee into donning that stupid outfit—especially since they were already legally married. And, let us not forget her next rocker dude, Kid Rock, or as she liked to call him—Bob. He was the second man betrothed to Ms. Anderson. But even Pet Rock fell victim to her spell and went through several lavish weddings to her as well. At that point, I felt that possibly she didn’t want to be married; she just wanted to be the center of attention at the wedding, and this was the only plan she could come up with that would make that scheme work. And then we come to the most recent Mr. Pam Anderson. It seems from what I’ve been able to uncover through the most thorough use of my investigative reporting skills, Rick Salomon and Ms. Anderson had been friends for about fifteen years. One night while gambling together in Las Vegas, Ms. Anderson excused herself for a quick potty break while apparently one of her goons continued to place bets for her at the poker table. When she returned, it seems she was indebted to Mr. Salomon to the tune of hundreds of thousands of dollars. What was a poor unemployed girl to do? Being the gentlemen he was, Mr. Salomon agreed to forgive the debt for a kiss. Oh, how sweet! Well, apparently the one little kiss led to another and another and, well, you can only imagine what that led to without me having to tell you. Let’s just say that after the two were engaged, Ms. Anderson was quoted as saying, “I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors, and I fell in love. It’s so romantic.” Yeah, about as romantic as hearing that Jimmy Swaggart rolled up upon a street whore and then tried to serve her up to his masses as the new Mrs. It seems to me that Ms. Anderson has just owned up to the world’s oldest profession, but who am I to judge? Again, please don’t ask. Even I couldn’t make up stuff this stupid. Needless to say, after hearing this dreamy story, I know it’s probably hard for you to believe that after only about sixty-eight days of wedded bliss (well, I might be a few days off), the two separated. You know the one thing that really galls me about this whole story is that, after appearing on a gazillion Playboy covers, this lady actually wore a white bikini to her first wedding. How gauche! I guess the only good thing she could say about this marriage is that her tryst did not turn up on the Internet, as did the one with rocker Bret Michaels, or the one with first husband Tommy Lee or Mr. Salomon’s soiree with one Paris Hilton—well, at least not yet anyway. God, does everyone except me own a camcorder?
Now it’s time for my oh so brief business news. I have really put a lot of time and energy into investigating my stock tip of the week. I don’t want you, my loyal reader, to think I just pull somebody’s name out of a hat without thinking long and hard about it. So, without further ado, my insider tip of the week is, drumroll please, ConAgra Foods. I must admit this was an easy decision. While they are the manufacturers of Pam®, they can really use this week’s headlines to remind people that nothing sticks with Pam®--not even marriage. Good luck with the market. Until next time my dear reader………
1 comment:
Did you know that Pizza Hut also has a store that is called "Pizza Hut Bistro"? In addition to their normal menu they serve sandwhiches. The sandwhiches are not that great and they are way over priced. As I remember Pizza Hut had always served sandwhiches along with 'pasta' dishes. So why the new slogans? It is all a marketing scheme to 're-invent' the pizza in a time when people are so concious of their calorie intake. Who knows it may work!
PJ
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